Misguided by the Ego

In my recent "do-ing", I was careless of not "be-ing". I fell-short and succumbed to the old ways of "business-as-usual". Truly we are tested in every situation, it is whether we are Self-aware. I am reminded that the body is just a mount for the soul just as a donkey is a mount for the rider. Thus, the true jihad is indeed to tame the soul "Nafs".

So what is actually meant by taming the Soul? In other words, it is to be rid off the ego. To destroy it. The ego is that inner-most voice and thought that shrouds the soul and darkens the heart, asking us to fulfil our own interest and desires. The ego creeps in silently and can unknowingly operate in a subtle manner despite what appears as good actions.

In our lack of Self-awareness and Self-examination, we think we are doing good but what radiates is arrogance and ignorance. We think we are fulfilling the ways of the Prophet PBUH but instead fulfilling ways of the Self. Consumed with grief and guilt, I realized I had to immediately check my Self and arrest my ego. I reflected upon my intent, my thoughts, my actions, my speech and my heart in order to identify my shortcomings.

In my reflection, a beautiful recent heartfelt memory flooded my heart. It was a supplication recited by a good friend of mine, may God bless his soul, to which he asked His Lord for kindness and gentleness. What struck me was not only the words he uttered but the utterance itself. One can feel and experience the sincerity and purity of his heart which perhaps was lacking in mine.

It dawned on me, in my eagerness to get things done "task oriented", I left the meaning of kindness and gentleness at the door. "i" spoke, "i" interacted but "I" was not there. In trying to be efficient and productive, I got fixated with the outcome and lost my Self in the process.

As relational beings, indeed mistakes and misdeeds are bound to happen as to err is human. However, it is not an excuse not to rectify the state of our soul and heart. To visit and revisit our intent and our hearts. To be aware who is in control and who is the mount. 

Sometimes in our traversing we lose sight of the bigger picture, engrossed with the trees forgetting the forest or even worse our purpose for traversing. The ego makes us think we are ready, it makes us think we already know but in reality we have not even addressed the pain in the soul and disease in the heart.

When ego is present, actions becomes hasty and reactions haughty. We lose all aspects of beauty, humility and tranquility. The beauty of the religion disappears. We are left with harshness in the heart. I seek refuge in Allah from the darkness of my Nafs and all wretchedness of the ego. May He facilitate to purify my heart and brighten my soul.